Is This What it is Like to be on Death Row?

One of my colleagues working at Kaiser Permanente visited with me yesterday. I described to her and the feeling that in a way, my situation is similar to that of somebody on death row. Merkel cell cancer is the executioner. Dr Nghiem  is my defense attorney. He is appealing my sentence to higher courts. Every time we have an interaction, he gives me hope that in some way, some judge will find merit in my appeal and commute the sentence. The only difference is that a death row inmate is given a definite time for his execution, and an attempt is made to avoid all discomfort as the sentence is carried out. I do not have a definite date from my demise, and I have no assurances that should my appeals be denied, I will have a painless and comfortable death.
I have in my possession the materials needed for my next blood draw for circulating Merkel cells. By the end of next week, I hope to have the result. If the cell count has risen, I expect that I will be undergoing chemotherapy designed to treat small cell carcinoma. That will be preceded by some form of imaging study. If the cell count has not risen, I can wait another month.
I have been feeling vaguely unwell. There's nothing that I can really put my finger on. There are some minor abdominal cramps and lower chest pains. My appetite is not good. This may be attributed to the lack of improvement in my sense of taste and continued dry mouth. My weight has stabilized around 160 pounds, almost 20 pounds less than what might average weight used to be prior to the diagnosis. Perhaps this is all psychological, as a result of my not looking forward to any future treatments.
I have been thinking that this posterior mediastinal mass should be visible on plain chest x-rays and I'm considering getting a plain chest x-ray for my own edification as to whether this is true and then to be able to follow the size of the mass with a very simple test. Of course this would not document any new masses involving lymph nodes in the upper abdomen or in the  mediastinum.
In my discussion with Dr. Ngheim regarding the planning of my experimental treatment, there is one thing which he said that stuck in my mind. He stated that there are no long-term survivors of Merkel cell carcinoma after chemotherapy. This is because the chemotherapy destroys the immune system which is the major defense against the spread of Merkel's. I think that his intention here was to dissuade me from having chemotherapy and to convince me to have this treatment. Reading posts to the Merkel cell message board, I see that there are several anecdotal cases of substantial survival of patients who have had what I would consider to be more advanced Merkel cell cancer than I think that I have. Because of this, if the disease is progressing, I will undergo the chemotherapy.
It is my hope that with this plan, I will not be trading the last days that I have of relative comfort for days of misery. Many patients are very sick following chemotherapy. I just read a post documenting rapid demise from infection during chemotherapy. On the other hand, when I was undergoing radiation treatment, I met a man who was having radiation treatment in the morning and chemotherapy in the afternoon, and he did not complain of significant symptoms.
In the meantime, I continue to work three afternoons a week. I plan to continue to play bridge twice a week. I look forward to a visit from my brother, Dr Jon Shuster, who is a professor of mathematical statistics at the University of Florida.
I'm also looking forward to a visit from my son Brian, who will be here just before Valentine's Day. I'm hoping to be able to travel to Montréal to visit my mother, perhaps at the end of March, depending on whether I will be allowed to travel assuming that I am undergoing chemotherapy, or hopefully, not needing chemotherapy before then. 
In keeping with prior posts, I'm going to conclude this blog with a satirical song that I wrote many years ago, but I think that much of it is as true today as it was then.

MASTER OF THE HMO

To the tune of

Master of the House

From

Les Miserables

Sung by the HMO President

       Welcome, My friend

       Sit yourself down

       We are the  best

       Provider in town

       As for the rest

       They don’t compare

       They are obsessed

       With refusing care

       Seldom do you see

       Honest men like me

       Working in the health

       Insurance industry

       Master of the plan

       Ads are on TV

       We show those smiling doctors

       But what you don’t see

       Show an MRI

       Make it look high tech

       You can’t even get one

       If you break your neck

       Glad to do a friend a  favor

       Doesn't cost us to be nice

       When you sign up you will  find out

       Everything has got a little price!

       Master of the house

       Keeper of the gate

       Ready to deny 'em

       Or to make ‘em wait.

       Use generic drugs

       See your primary  care

       If you use the ER

       You will be the payer

       Everybody needs insurance

       Everybody has to spend

       If you get diseases

       Jesus!

       We won't help you in the end!

       Master of the plan

       Tumor to remove

       Never get it paid for

       ‘less its pre-approved

       Get a pre-op chest

       Help you to decide

       If it turns out normal

       Payment is denied

       Everybody's paranoiac

       Everybody's on his own

       You all signed releases

       Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

       [To another new customer...]

       Enter old man

       Pay your co-pay

       Doctor will  see you

       Maybe some day.

       Charges are low

       They won’t go higher

       Unless you get sick

       Coverage won’t expire

       Join our  HMO

       Get rid of Medicare

       And nothing's overlooked

       Till  you’re on welfare

       Care beyond compare

       Care you can’t resist

       See a nurse practitioner

       Not a specialist

       Kidneys, they don’t know

       Liver what is that

       Filling up their charts

       With this and that

       Interns are more than  welcome

       Residents we’ll keep occupied

       Reasonable charges

       Plus some little extras on the side!

       If you have chest pain

       The ER you must disdain

       If its not a heart attack you'll end up payin'

       Here a little  slice

       There a little chop

       You see a nurse practitioner and not a doc

       When it comes to fixing prices

       There are a lot of tricks he knows

       How it all increases

       All those bits and pieces

       Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

       

       Master of the Plan

       Tries to catch your eye

       Never wants a Healthy one

       To pass him by

       Service to the poor

       Equal to the rich

       Don’t need a Dermatologist

       To cure your itch!

       Everybody's capitated

       We make it all a closed shop

       Payment never increases

       Jesus!

       We just take ours off the top.!

       Master of the plan

       Says  precertify

       Call the number just  to hear

       Deny, deny

       Never operate.

       Don't investigate

       Don't care if we find your cancer much too late

      

        CoPay for pharmacy

        Don’t Pay for MRI

       They all get diseases

        Jesus, its much cheaper

        If they die

Don’t care who he fleeces,

his nephews and his nieces

Pack up their valises

Never hear their sneezes

They eat too many fatty cheeses

Meats and all those greases

Jesus it saves us money if they die.